Raising Curious, Capable & Confident Teenagers

The holidays are ending, sadness mingles with relief that everyone can get back into a routine and you can hand responsibility for your child back to the school……. But can you - really? Just because the children are returning to school does not mean the role of parenting goes on hold! 

Parents remain enormously influential during the teenage years, even when their children appear to be pulling away. The role changes but rather than diminishing, young teens need you more than ever.  But it does become harder to know what support should look like. Should we supervise homework, arrange tutoring and fill every weekend with worthwhile activities or is this where we step back and allow our children to take responsibility?

Whilst the academic results will still matter, teenagers are going to need more than a set of exam grades to flourish in a rapidly changing world. The OECD states that the key skills our children will need are the ability to solve complex problems, to think critically and creatively, to develop emotional intelligence and to be confident in judgement and decision making. Whilst the Gates Foundation identifies that to thrive children need to be able to engage with learning experiences wherever they find them both in and out of school.

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Help them become active learners

The role of parents is not just to help teenagers achieve better grades. It is to help them develop the attitudes and habits that will allow them to learn throughout their lives.

Parents can help by creating opportunities and showing genuine interest and demonstrating that learning is not confined to the classroom or driven exclusively by examinations If your teenager mentions a new idea, ask what they find interesting about it, suggest a podcast, documentary or person who might help them explore it further. 

Whilst the objective is not to turn every activity into an educational exercise, who knows whether a personal project, work experience or a museum visit, may spark an interest that develops into a future academic or career direction. 

By taking this approach you are encouraging young people to reflect, make decisions and recover from setbacks. It demonstrates that you have confidence in their ability to find a way forward.

Ask questions rather than providing every answer

Professor Deborah Eyre, founder of the High Performance Learning approach, argues that high achievement is not reserved for a small group of innately gifted pupils. Attitudes such as perseverance, reflection and intellectual confidence can all be developed.

Parents can support this by resisting the temptation to solve every problem. Hard though this is the next time your teenager encounters a disappointing result or difficult assignment, try asking:

  • What do you think went wrong?

  • What could you do differently next time?

  • Which part do you understand, and where are you stuck?

  • Who could you ask for help?

  • What is your next step?

Allow room for debate

One of the best things about your teenagers growing up is having family discussions about news stories, ethical questions and around family decisions. Inviting them to explain their views, challenge assumptions and support an argument with evidence. 

Sociologist, Annette Lareau, highlights in her research the value of children learning to question, negotiate and communicate with adults confirming that respectful debate at home is an important preparation for life beyond school.

These conversations not only develop communication and judgement but show teenagers that their ideas are worth taking seriously. They do not have to agree with you, but they learn to listen to other opinions and perspectives, to think critically and how to disagree constructively. 

Encourage depth rather than a crowded CV

Parents can feel under pressure to provide an endless programme of activities: music lessons, sports teams, debating, LAMDA, Duke of Edinburgh not to mention after school tuition. Whilst all of these things build different skills and experiences, it is hard to build meaningful development by moving rapidly between lots of disconnected opportunities.

Helping your teenager to find one or two areas they genuinely want to pursue whether it involves coding, creative writing, debate, sport, music, volunteering, entrepreneurship or independent research gives them a chance to enjoy a sustained involvement.  With more exposure they get to experience different challenges, to practise skills and take increasing responsibility in their field.

The question should always be “What will my child learn by doing it?” rather than “Will this look good on an application?”

 

Parents often tell me they simply want their teenager to be happy. I understand that, but happiness is multi-dimensional, and I would put being fulfilled and having a sense of purpose above a perhaps more transient state of happiness. Teenagers thrive when they have something worth caring about and adults at home who ask what they think rather than only how they did.

My tip: find an interest you genuinely share and commit to it, especially if it is a shared interest. A football team, a Sunday walk, creating or listening to a niche podcast. Ten regular minutes on neutral ground will do more for flourishing than any conversation that begins with homework.

Aidan Sproat-Clements
Founding Head, Alleyn’s Hampstead

 

Teach them to use technology thoughtfully

Teenagers now have instant access to information and to artificial intelligence capable of producing apparently convincing answers in seconds. The challenge is not about finding the information but evaluating and deciding whether that information is accurate, relevant and trustworthy.

Talk openly about how AI can support brainstorming, explanation and revision, but also about its limitations. Young people need to check sources, recognise bias, protect their privacy and understand the difference between using technology as a tool and allowing it to do their thinking for them.

Gradually transfer responsibility

Perhaps the most difficult part of parenting a teenager is knowing when to intervene and when to step back. Independence does not appear automatically at 18; it develops through repeated opportunities to make decisions and experience manageable consequences.

Encourage your teenager to monitor deadlines, communicate with teachers, organise revision and seek help when needed. Provide structure where it is genuinely required, but avoid becoming the project manager of every aspect of their education.

The aim is not immediate self-sufficiency. It is a gradual transfer of responsibility, matched to the maturity and needs of your child.

The Scholato View

Parents are their child’s first and longest-serving teachers. By adolescence, their task is no longer to lead every step. It is to keep the flame of curiosity alive while giving young people the confidence and independence to find their own way forward.

Whilst we cannot know exactly which careers today’s teenagers will enter or how technology will reshape their futures, parents can help their children to become curious, thoughtful and adaptable. By encouraging them to persevere, ask good questions, evaluate evidence and recover when things do not go according to plan, they are building resilient youngsters who will thrive in a dynamically changing world.